why do we sometimes find that we simply don’t have the skills we need to parent our children successfully?
One reason could be that we believe that one or both of our parents simply got it wrong when we were kids and we are trying to put it right when we come to be parents in our turn. That’s fine but what if it isn’t working?
If we think that our parent’s were too strict and we decide to take a softly, softly approach, we have two choices. The first is ‘good policeman’, ‘bad policeman’ with us, either mum or dad being the good policeman and our partner being the bad policeman. In this case we will criticise our partner for being too strict (like the grandparent) and the child will learn to play off one parent against the other and carry on behaving badly. The partnership may well begin to break down.
The alternative is both to be the same, either too soft or too strict, and to continue to be stuck.
The final choice is to get a good parenting book. An excellent one is ‘EVERY PARENTS’ TOOLKIT’ BY cAROLINE pENNY or go to parenting classes to learn how to parent without being too strict or too soft. Finally seek a Family Therapist who can help you discover why your parenting is not working and help both parents to work together, or if you are a single parent, to work out what works best for you without becoming too stressed. You can find a family therapist near you by looking on the Association for Family Therapy website or The United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy website who both have lists of qualified therapists near you.
This will prevent the ‘yoyo’ effect continuing down the generations.
A good example of the above is the effect on children of the war years when everything was in short supply. The next generation made sure their children had everything they never had. Because the kids were perfectly happy with this situation, there was no immediate yoyo effect. Subsequent generations have tried to say ‘no’ but simply had never learned the skills from their parents and it was easier to say ‘yes’. This has resulted in parents and children who have both not learned how to resist the pressures of their ‘phones, apps, games etc, or anything else they feel is their right to have.
Only now are we beginning to learn the damage this is causing to our minds, bodies and society.
A new approach to parenting where limits are set will help our children to grow up happier and freer and help them make more stable relationships where their are fewer expectations of the other and more giving of time and appreciation on both sides, rather than both partners having their lives ruled by their ‘phones and their credit cards. Their babies will see their parents faces again instead of their ‘phones! # parents # mums #dads #families #parenting
